In memory
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
Postal Service management
The Postal Service needed someone to watch over there facility at night to make sure that everything was safe, so they hired a night watchman.

Then management said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.

Then management said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, “We’ve had this command in operation for one year now and we’re $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs.”

So they laid off the night watchman.
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Champ, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Economic Stimulas for Dummies
Q. What is an Economic Stimulas payment?
A. Money that the fed will send to taxpayers.

Q.Where will the money come from?
A. From taxpayers

Q.So the govt is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgeon.

Q. What is the perpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will purchase a hi def TV and help stimulate the economy

Q.But isn't that stimulating the economy of China
A Shut up

Here is a helpful way to spend your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the money at WalMart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gas it will go to the ARabs.
If you spend it on computers it will go to India
If you spend it on fruit and vegetables, it ill go to mexico, Honduras, and guatamala. (unless you buy organic)
If you buy a car it will go to Japan
If you purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan
None of the above will help our economy here. We need to keep the money here in this U.S.A. You can help keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer, (domestic only) or tattoos, since the aforementioned are the only bussinness that are still in the U.S.
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